<\/p>\n
By Holly Carbo and Mandi Chapman, Guest Contributors<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The months of planning leading to the perfect wedding can become so all-encompassing, that it consumes a couples\u2019 conversations.\u00a0 \u201cIs that on your list or mine?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cDo we really have to invite Uncle Gerald?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhy is your mom being so difficult?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s easy to get distracted from what the engagement period is really for:\u00a0 to continue to learn about your future spouse in a more intimate way; to continue to grow your relationship with each other in love and understanding; to continue to build a foundation for a lasting marriage.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be satisfied with chatting about surface conversations.\u00a0 Many of the deeper conversations can be difficult and awkward, or they can be eye-opening and fun.\u00a0 Approach serious conversations with joy, knowing that you are becoming closer to the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We have taught our program \u201cStrong Foundations:\u00a0 A Marriage Preparation Program for Catholic Couples\u201d for several years.\u00a0 Through our own marriages and through our years of research, we have learned that when couples want to build a strong foundation for marriage, they address the following topics before their wedding:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 1. Faith and Spirituality<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you are seeking a sacramental marriage in the Church, share with each other\u00a0 why this this important to you.\u00a0 Take time to learn what you believe and how you live out your beliefs.\u00a0 By taking time to share your expectations for living your faith within your marriage, you can deepen your relationship.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Most people have heard the adage, \u201cA family who prays together, stays together.\u201d\u00a0 (\u2014Fr. Patrick Peyton). Consider praying together, if you aren\u2019t already doing so.\u00a0 If you need a simple way to begin, try blessing your meals or saying an Our Father before a road trip.\u00a0 Simple starts can lead to an amazing spiritual connection.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 2. Conflict Management<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Every couples disagrees at some point.\u00a0 What kind of \u201cfighter\u201d are you?\u00a0 Do you shut down?\u00a0 Lash out?\u00a0 Run away?\u00a0 Say things you regret later?\u00a0 Stay uber rational and cool?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We have worked with couples react to conflict in every way imaginable.\u00a0 Ultimately, you can learn to recognize your own triggers and those of your fianc\u00e9.\u00a0 You can also learn how you and your future spouse react to conflict.\u00a0 This knowledge can help you disagree in a way that is less hurtful and more constructive.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 3. Careers<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We spend more time at work than with our spouses.\u00a0 Try to stay connected to each other\u2019s work.\u00a0 Be open about what happens at your job.\u00a0 Do you love your job?\u00a0 Does your career cause conflict in your marriage?\u00a0 Does your career fit your long-term needs and wants for your marriage?\u00a0 Will one of you stay home if and when children come along?\u00a0 Is there a chance of relocation for your job?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you keep each other involved in the story of your day, you stay connected.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get us wrong, there are some jobs that bore us to tears.\u00a0 However, boredom is irrelevant.\u00a0 It is the act of listening and being available that builds your relationship.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 4. Finances<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Finances are often cited as the cause of most divorces.\u00a0 However, it isn\u2019t the finances, but the lack of discussion about finances that is the culprit in most divorces.\u00a0 Get on the same page with your finances. Share your accounts whenever possible, or, at the very least, share your account passwords.\u00a0It is too easy to hide things when finances are not transparent in a marriage.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Do you have debt you are bringing into the marriage?\u00a0 Do you have savings?\u00a0 Do you have issues with over-spending?\u00a0 Do you have an inheritance?\u00a0 What does your budget look like?\u00a0 At what dollar amount would you need to consult your spouse before making a purchase?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n At one of our marriage prep workshops, one couple stated they would have to consult their spouse for any purchase over $50.\u00a0 Another couple stated they would need to consult their spouse for any purchase over $1000.\u00a0 These couples had different incomes and lifestyles, so they picked a number that worked for them. Neither amount is right or wrong\u2026they are perfect because they are agreed upon.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 5. Intimacy \/ Cohabitation<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When we discuss intimacy with couples in our workshops, we ask them to write on a card, \u201cHow many times per week do you plan to have sex?\u201d Then we ask them to show each other their cards.\u00a0Inevitably, there\u2019s a lot of laughter in response to this question.\u00a0 But the question is a valid one\u2026and it speaks to the expectations that are often unspoken in marriage.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When it comes to cohabitation, many couples don\u2019t realize that living together before marriage is problem until their first meeting with a priest.\u00a0 We are called through our Christian faith to live chastely until marriage.\u00a0 That means no sex.\u00a0 When couples live together, they are blatantly ignoring the standards to which Christ is calling them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We offer this challenge in our workshops:\u00a0 What prevents you from living apart from now until your wedding?\u00a0 Statistics show that those who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce.\u00a0 Give your relationship a chance to grow through abstinence and purposeful interaction.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 6. Family of Origin<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Who raised you?\u00a0 That\u2019s your family of origin.\u00a0 The people who raised you affect your interactions with your spouse.\u00a0 Notice, we didn\u2019t say you will have a marriage exactly like your family of origin.\u00a0They will affect your marriage, not pre-determine it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Sometimes the marriages modeled before you were amazing, and you hope that your marriage is equally as strong as those you have witnessed.\u00a0 Often, though, couples are from backgrounds of divorce, addiction, infidelity, apostacy, apathy, etc.\u00a0 You many not want to emulate any part of the marriages you have experienced.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Be smart about what your marriage should look like.\u00a0 Implement the best parts of the marriages you have seen; seek a mentor couple; discuss your family\u2019s not-so-hot interactions in marriage and chat about how you can avoid the same in your marriage.\u00a0 Whatever you do, talk about it.\u00a0 Be real with what you were exposed to in your family of origin\u2019s marital interactions and seek unity on how to implement or exclude those interactions from your own marriage.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 7. Children<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Children are the greatest blessing and greatest challenge of marriage.\u00a0 Parenting is difficult, even when both parents are on the same page. If you disagree greatly about parenting styles, it is even more challenging.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n All couples are called to procreate, if they are able.\u00a0 A marriage isn\u2019t valid if one or both of you decide you don\u2019t want to have kids.\u00a0 This is a chat that needs to happen when you meet with your priest.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your conversations about children can\u2019t just be about your favorite baby names and the color you want your future nursery.\u00a0 Talk about the potential challenges inherent in child-bearing and child-rearing.\u00a0 How will you handle it if one of you is infertile?\u00a0 If you have an unplanned pregnancy in your marriage?\u00a0 If you have a child with special needs?\u00a0 How will you handle blending your families if you have children from a previous relationship?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n 8. Commitment<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We have a friend who once said of her marriage, \u201cSomedays we live on love, most days we live on commitment.\u201d\u00a0 She is in a happy marriage, so what does she mean?\u00a0 Even in the happiest marriages, things pop up that require couples to dig deep and work together to get through their troubled times.\u00a0 While \u201clove\u201d may run deep, sometimes \u201clike\u201d feels like a shallow puddle.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n What will hold you to your vows when everything in you wants to throw up your hands in resignation?\u00a0 What will push you to seek help when things get difficult?\u00a0 Your commitment to God, to your vows, to your spouse, to your family.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n As you approach the altar, remember to tackle sensitive topics as often as task lists.\u00a0 Remember, you aren\u2019t seeking complete agreement on every little topic; what you are seeking is agreement on the biggest topics and a working compromise on the smaller issues.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Be vigilant:\u00a0 No one plans to end up at the divorce attorney\u2019s office.\u00a0 No couple says, \u201cI hope this will be a fun first marriage!\u201d\u00a0 Couples approach the altar with \u201cforever\u201d in mind, yet 50% of marriages end in divorce.\u00a0 This statistic doesn\u2019t have be you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Create your forever today.\u00a0 Be open, honest, and brave when chatting about the controversial topics of marriage.\u00a0 Build your relationship on the strong foundation of Christ and common values.\u00a0 Be real\u2026so that your marriage is as amazing as your wedding.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Marriage.\u00a0 It\u2019s worth chatting about.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Holly Carbo and Mandi Chapman are both Nationally Certified Counselors, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, and Licenses Professional Counselors.\u00a0 Holly is married to Michael and has four children, Briggs, Emily, Ben, and LG.\u00a0 Mandi is married to Kevin and has three children, Lily, Oliver, and Simon.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Holly Carbo and Mandi Chapman, Guest Contributors The months of planning leading to the perfect wedding can become so all-encompassing, that it consumes a couples\u2019 conversations.\u00a0 \u201cIs that on…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":7422,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"0","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7421","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-latest-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7421"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7421"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7421\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7422"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7421"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7421"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.diocesealex.org\/old\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7421"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}